The one lesson I feel like the Lord keeps speaking to me about is my wanting to be in control of my own life.

I’m often feel like the little girl when her mom asked her to sit down in church, she did so but responded, “I am sitting down on the outside but I’m still standing up on the inside.”

Although the message has been loud and clear, especially the last six years, I still find myself wanting to control my own life and thinking that my plans are better than God’s plan for me.

As Bill would say after his diagnosis of a brain tumor, “The only thing I feel like I’ve given up is the illusion of control, because I never had it in the first place.”

I go back-and-forth between being OK with God being in control and desperately wanting to control my life myself. I just thought I had some really good plans for Bill’s and my retirement. The plan didn’t include becoming a widow in my 60’s. Bill seemed to be OK with the truth that every day of his life was written in God’s book of life before He was even born.

Psalm 139:16 in the NIV says, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

He may have been OK with that but I was not. I had plans for us for the next 20+ years. His parents had lived into their mid-and later 80s and he was healthier than either of them. So if it’s not about me, what is it about?

I believe it’s about furthering God‘s kingdom. I found that He still has a calling on my life and a purpose for me. I am reminded I am reminded that no one‘s life is without trials.

First Thessalonians 3:3 says, “So that no one would be unsettled by these trials. For you know quite well that we are destined for them.” We should not be surprised when trials come. God definitely uses them in my life to show me many things, like my pride, judgmental thoughts, self-centeredness, just to name a few.

God‘s message to me lately has been, it’s not about you but My calling on your life. His calling and desire for me is to further his kingdom until He calls me home or Jesus returns.

One thing that trials and aging, which is its own trial, will do is loosen your grip and hold on this world. I get excited and encouraged when I hear songs about Heaven and read scripture that talks of Jesus return. I need reminders that I’m not home yet and that this world is not all there is.         

Lord, keep reminding me that it’s not about me and my happiness but about You conforming me to the image of Christ. It’s about being obedient to the calling, plan and purpose You have for me.


– Pat Estes

Photo by Henri Pham on Unsplash